No Damned Cents

I would like to address those who think it is perfectly acceptable to count out ninety-five cents in change on my counter, push the change in my general direction and then look at me expectantly. With my genius powers of deductive reasoning I assume I'm to be expected to pick all this up my own damned self and then hand them the receipt. Well fuckabucnhofthat! Who are you that I should be picking up your change all the time? Do you expect me to wipe your ass too? Why is it all simplest of tasks are deemed much too monumental to do oneself? I am SORRY you are unable to hand me that dollar you just flung in my direction but you know what? I am NOT your freaking mother and I should NOT be expected to pick up after every damn person who has no idea how to act in public. And you know what? I am SORRY you do not know how to say please and thank you, I am SORRY you do not know how to wait in the damned line, I am SORRY you do not have any damned other thing to do than to come into my store and go bat-shit crazy flinging books around all willy nilly like a GODDAMNED orangoutang!!!

and I am SORRY you have horrible taste in literature! Maybe you should stop reading those disgusting red dress press books and just MAYBE you'd get some money back, but don't you DARE come in here and accuse me of not giving you as much money as everyone else who works in the store, trust me if it were anyone else they'd give you 50 freakin cents for your horrible ass taste.

I am SORRY that you are so fertile that you have 35 kids running around like little wolverines but I will NOT babysit your maniac offspring. Do not think that going into a store gives you and your horrible spawn free reign to just tear things apart and think there will be no consequences. In what world is any of this behavior acceptable?? Please someone tell me so I can close that door securely and maybe throw some fucking "cents" at them on their way out.

Oh and old guy who tries to be "cute" with the younger girls by telling off color and borderline sexual jokes, IT'S NOW CALLED SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

STOP IT. I. AM. NOT. AMUSED.

End Rant.

The Public at "Large"

Today re-established (by a very small degree mind you) my faith in the "Public at Large". Normally each day is filled with a thousand annoyances: a thousand people demanding your attention, a thousand little things to remember, a thousand phone calls, a thousand people asking a thousand absurd questions... But today I met a few truly amazing people. It is definitely bizarre that my first post about my burgeoning hatred for humanity and its ever diminishing gene pool depth would be about an absolutely pleasant day. Maybe it was some sort of astronomical occurrence, a fluke, a shifting of the poles, the reformation of a polar ice cap, the mood inhibitor I ingested at lunch...the point is I was at peace today amidst a thousand obstacles and it allowed me to meet this insanely awesome woman. She was in her late 50s or early 60s and she was so damned sassy I couldn't help but admire her. She had a hand made bag, a tight white t shirt on (to show off her modestly lifted "ladies"), capri pants, wedge sandels and a hair stylist bob. You know the one I mean, the bumped up top with the wedged neck line that forms a bob in the front. She had a big proud grey streak and a wicked sense of humor. She was buying knitting books and of course we got to talking. Turns out she spins her own yarn and I of course being "Craftily OCD" (a term I coined myself thankyouverymuch) was awed and inspired. She recommended books, gave me websites and told me to get in touch with the head of the Spinner's Guild of Chicago, of which she was a member. This woman was everything I want to be when I grow up. So cheers to you madame Spinner for brightening my usually dingy, rage-filled day. I owe you one.

The second amazing lady I spoke with was a semi-regular customer. Shes a tough cookie this one, very loud, very outspoken, and very angry. Sounding. The truth of the matter is that she's actually hilarious and not at all mean. Disgruntled without a doubt but not mean hearted. She was looking for this specific movie with Patricia Arquette in it. NOT the one with "that Van damn-it guy and the asian chick" she said she'd prefer VHS but DVD would work, hell shed even "take the damned thing on a paper towl if thats how it comes"! Normally this type of behavior irks me, mainly because I see so many wackos I have no idea whether or not people are being literal but I have a soft spot for this particular rose bush of a woman. She loves coming into the store and when she has a good experience she yells about how great we all are. Who wouldn't love an ego boost from a hardened take-no-prisoners pistol of an old lady? So cheers to you our ever doting ball buster of a customer.

I do however have one tiny rant having to do with the public at "large" before I end this post, after all what would a blog called Retail Rants be without an actual rant?

-To the extremely tall "gentleman" who decided it was a great idea to wear short, flimsy cotton grey shorts outside and in our store: YOUR HUGE GENITALS ARE RESTING ON MY SALES COUNTER YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'M PRETTY FREAKIN' SURE PANTS ARE STILL BEING MANUFACTURED SO PUT THEM THE HELL ON THE NEXT TIME YOU GO OUT IN PUBLIC!

End Rant